(Original post headline: If I had blue hair) Irrelevant headlines is one of the worst habits I had when I was private-blogging years back... it made searching for a particular post a logistics nightmare, especially when there are hundreds of entries over a few years. It's part of me, including posting photos of my face with pseudo-reasons. Nevertheless, free-writing is something I wish to cultivate again in the form of weekly reflective posts on Fridays. In each post, I will announce a weekly resolution that I will adhere to. In a way, this platform gives me the extra motivation to fulfill them because sometimes, I am too lenient with myself.
Last week, I set myself a resolution: to attempt class participation and presentations off-the-cuff.
As usual, I will be long-winded to give you a backstory. I tend to get stage fright in terms of speech. When that happens, my tongue gets tied, my mind goes blank, and I can't stand that silence of micro-seconds with everyone waiting for me to say something. My script becomes my comfort zone. You know what comfort zones do to people. They drag you down with inertia, little voices tell you it's okay to stay in there.
Class participation
In Singapore universities, students get points for class participation. More so in SMU than NTU or NUS, and to delve deeper into the specifics - more so in social sciences schools than hard sciences/math schools. In my course, competitive might be one of the last words to describe class participation. In a way, I feel better because 1) I would probably hate it if people speak up for the sake of speaking up/ getting points. 2) People only spoke up when they really have something important to say. 3) People speak with relatively more conviction of their opinions. 4) I escape from class participation quite stealthily without much notice.
During the first tutorial, you kind of have an idea if the tutor places emphasis on class participation or not. For me, if the whole tutorial revolves around speaking up, I know it's going to be a nightmare for the rest of the semester. I am terrified of class participation because I often can hear myself counter-arguing with whatever I'm going to say. Or I can imagine someone disagreeing with me, even if I don't know what that is yet. I rehearse the possible lines in my head word-for-word, and then I memorise it to ensure that it's somewhat foolproof before I voice it in class. In quite a bit of trepidation.
Presentation
It's possibly even worse for presentations. I have a little piece of paper with me every single time, typed out word-for-word (no kidding!) including the Good Mornings at the beginning and the Thank Yous at the last slide. I try to wean myself off every single time, but I fail so miserably too. In the middle of the presentation, I would even get lost in translation, get confused and start reciting it straight off the bat. I could be speaking in romanji Japanese and it'll still work. I get so conscious, my mental conversations go into overdrive (Stop, stop - look up! No wait, you're reaching the end of the line... slow down, look up!). And then I'll subconsciously start smiling when I reach the last paragraph of the script, catch myself smiling and then try to maintain a poker face till the very end. There's little surprise why presentations terrify me.
After a presentation-gone-wrong, an impromptu-ten-minute class participation outburst and the realization that I'm already in year three, I've decided to set myself a goal - to present without a script (gradually) and to participate in class discussions more vividly with less mental debates.
This week.
I finally did a class presentation with a script in hand, but I (almost completely) went off-script. For topics I'm familiar with, I have the tendency to sidetrack a lot and then get lost in the middle of whatever I was talking about. For topics I'm not, I would blank-out. This presentation was a good starting point because I was familiar with the material. I also spoke my mind about the Occupy Central protests in a tutorial I'm more comfortable with, even though it's probably less than three minutes. It feels really good to be able to speak with confidence and speak as the mind generates thoughts. Funny how children are able to say whatever they like, and then halfway through education people get coerced into not speaking up anymore. But it's something we ought to get back, even if we have to break through comfort zones to do it.
The next resolution.
A pretty silly resolution, but I will set it anyway: to wake up when the alarm rings and not hit the snooze button. Backstory for the next week. For now, good night & enjoy your weekends!
Meanwhile, it's okay to indulge in comfort foods once in a while.